Today we're talking some more about praise and more specifically, when not to use it. I'm going to dive straight in with a story about something that I saw a little while ago.
I was walking two of my biggest dogs one morning when we met another, much smaller dog coming round a corner. The dogs had all met each other before and I'm familiar with the owner which meant I knew that this little dog was a bit excitable and anxious when meeting other dogs, especially when they are on the lead. Off the lead, she is much more confident but when she's on the lead she will jump up and whine or sometimes won't want to pass them at all. You know that classic, lying down in the middle of the path, refusing to budge? We'll discuss that another day.
So I took my two dogs out of the way and made them wait so that our little friend could walk past without having to get too close and all the while she was jumping around at the end of her lead, whining, yapping, showing all the behaviours that I know her owner is trying to train out of her.
And all the time, her owner was saying "good girl, there's a good girl." 🤦🏻♀️
Now, I know how frustrating those situations are. I've been in more of them than I care to recall, especially seeing as I've worked with so many reactive dogs, but I also know how to train a dog to stop reacting to other dogs and praising them for being reactive is not the way forward. But I do get it. In those moments, you just want to get your dog past the others with minimum fuss and you think that you're reassuring them that everything is OK by telling them that they're a good girl. But here's the thing...
Using praise as reassurance when your dog is reacting to something is making it worse.
I see it all the time: an anxious owner is trying to reassure their dog that everything is OK and is using what they think is a gentle, soothing tone to relax their dog. Despite their best intentions, the anxious owner ends up mollycoddling their dog and when a dog is genuinely concerned about something to the point of reacting, they are not going to listen to an owner who they don't perceive to be in control of the situation. This is the point I want to make really clear and simple.
Dogs react for two reasons: fear and aggression and in this scenario we are talking about fear based reactivity.
Nervous dogs react when they are fearful of a situation. If they don't feel as though their owner has a situation under control, they are going to react. These dogs have the weight of the world on their shoulders because they are shouldering the burden of being "top dog". Because they don't perceive their owner as being the "alpha" (I don't love these terms), they feel the need to step up and protect them.
In the human-dog relationship, the human should be in charge, top dog, alpha. In dynamics where the owner has presented themselves as the dogs friend and peer, when the dog looks to their owner for guidance, they don't see someone who is in charge, they see someone on the same level as them. Worse than that, they see their best friend who they love but who is a bit soft and squishy and doesn't have the same sharp teeth as they've got. Hmm, better protect them.
This is why I get results with reactive dogs far quicker than their owners do; I set the precedent from day one that I am in charge and the dog learns that I can keep them safe and that I am in control. With their owners, they have to unlearn their perception of them. It's not as hard as it sounds and I'll discuss this next time.
Let's go back to our scenario of the anxious owner trying to reassure their dog that everything is OK. In this scenario, the owner hasn't set themselves up as the alpha. They dote on their dog and shower them with love which is lovely except that if it's a nervous dog, they're not showing the dog that they can keep them safe in scary situations. If the dog never receives clear feedback about how not to behave, or never receives any kind of discipline, then they never witness the owner being in charge and being in control. They have no experience of the owner acting as the alpha and so when they perceive a threat, they feel the need to protect themselves (and their owner) because their owner has never shown them that they can protect them.
When I break this down for clients, if it's met with sadness and guilt then I know that it's starting to hit home and we can build on it. I want these owners to understand that being your dogs best friend isn't doing them a kindness, it's doing them a disservice. Before I go any further, I want you to know that I am my dogs best friend but I'm also the one who's in charge so that I can keep him safe. You wouldn't expect a child to be in charge of their parent, so why do we put that same pressure on our dogs?
Well, because we don't know we're doing it. We don't understand how much pressure we are putting on our dogs by letting them be in charge. Having to protect the house and keep their owners safe is a big responsibility and some dogs just can't handle it. Some dogs can and these are the natural born alphas! These are our guard dogs, police dogs, service dogs and they love the responsibility, but we're not talking about them today.
Taking that responsibility off your dogs shoulders and showing them that you're in charge is the kindest thing you can do for your nervous dog and will have a massive impact on the quality of your relationship. Once you've addressed the balance and your dog knows and trusts that you're in charge, you can go back to being their best friend, but with the added benefit of them now respecting you as well. That's the difference. Dogs who respect their owners, listen to their owners.
Using that gentle, "soothing" voice to tell your dog that "it's ok, there's a good girl" is having the opposite effect that you want. Dogs don't understand human language, they understand body language and they understand tone of voice. They're not hearing "everything is ok", they are hearing "I'm not happy in this situation".
This is why I say not to use praise in this situation.
Dogs don't understand human language but we do teach them certain words and phrases. They do understand "good boy/girl". If you're using "good boy/girl" in a situation that your dog feels the need to be in control of whilst using your "soothing" voice (which to them just sounds weak and feeble), your dog is actually hearing "good boy for protecting me".
I think it's important to recognise here why so many owners use praise in these moments and I think that often it is because they're subconsciously giving themselves a pep talk. They're telling themselves that everything is OK as much as they're telling the dog and I get it. I've been there.
Some days are just plain hard and feeling like you're coaching your dog through a stressful situation can make us owners feel better, but our dogs aren't stupid. They're exceptionally well attuned to our emotions and they know when we're faking it. This is why reassuring your dog past something they want to react to doesn't work if you're in any doubt yourself. It's why I can take the lead of a reactive dog and walk them past another dog with zero reaction but their owner is hanging on to that lead with both hands while the dog is lunging at dogs on the other side of the street.
So what should I do instead?
This is where a certain amount of training comes in, for you the owner as much as for your dog. At this point, I think that these anxious owners require confidence coaching, specific to walking their dog. These owners need a reset; they need to stop acting like their dogs best friend (temporarily) and start acting like their dogs parent. It's time to be bold and stride out with confidence because you are in charge. You've got this 💪🏻
In the short term, cut out the praise. This is the first thing you should do. Speed up, don't slow down and march your dog past the thing that they are reacting to as quickly as possible. The biggest mistake I see people making is asking their dog sit and wait while the other dog passes them. Expecting your nervous, frustrated dog to sit still with all that emotion building up is putting an awful lot of pressure on them. I think it is far kinder to move them past as quickly as possible. Use that momentum they've got going and keep them moving - it's far less stressful for them than making them sit and watch the other dog approach them.
Be firm in your voice. Again, the soothing voice isn't working. Dogs hear tone, not words, and "reassuring" your dog isn't telling what they need to know which is that we are ignoring that dog. In the same way you wouldn't let your dog steal food off the table or jump into a pram, do not allow your dog to react. Be firm about it. It's not an acceptable behaviour from them anymore and you are not standing for it. I'm not telling you to punish or admonish your dog for reacting, we're not punishing fear here. I'm telling you to firmly and confidently tell your dog that they don't need to react because you can keep them safe.
If all this feels like too much then just do one thing; ignore it.
Get yourself and your dog out of that situation as quickly as possible and don't stop to have a conversation with the owner of the other dog. The quicker you remove your dog from the situation, the sooner they can start to calm down and this is kinder than prolonging their stress and anxiety. But don't praise them.
I love praising my dogs. I love seeing their eyes light up and their tails wag in response, but there's a time and a place for everything. When your dog is reacting to another dog is not the time for praise.
Next month I will go further into how we can teach our dogs to unlearn their perceptions of us so that you can go from being your dogs best friend and plaything, to being the leader of your pack and someone who they look up to and respect.
Until then, use praise wisely and if you've got any thoughts on this, I'd love to hear from you.
Forever Paws 🐾
Aislinn
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